Good listening is the basis for a good relationship. Unfortunately, many people don't have strong listening skills, so they have a history studded with problems rooted in miscommunication. Misunderstandings are the cause of broken relationships and lost opportunity. So it makes good sense to learn how to listen properly.
Being a Bad Listener Affects Relationships
Many people may believe that they are already good listeners. Take the test by answering following questions:
- While listening, are you thinking about the next question to ask?
- While listening, are you thinking how to top what has just been said?
- While listening, are you getting angry or judging what has been said?
- While listening, are you switching off and thinking about something completely different?
Answering "yes" to the above questions indicates poor listening skills. By not listening effectively, one is placing barriers to making a genuine connections in life. Good listening creates good empathy, which is the first stage in making good relationships.
How to be a Good Listener - The Key Skills
There are two ways of listening: active listening and passive listening.
Active listening is being fully aware of the other person, attending to their words and their body language without "zoning out." The active listener is listening attentively and trying to clarify and commit to short term memory the key points being expressed.
Passive listening is being there physically but with a mind that is wandering and is more preoccupied with self-thoughts. The passive listener my be waiting to jump in at the earliest opportunity to say something about themselves or their point of view and in doing so, be completely missing what the other party has said.
The Secondary Skills of a Good Listener
There are other skills which can be used to help to clarify or open out what has been said, in order to gain a deeper understanding or empathy:
- Clarifying – If you don't understand what has been said it is necessary to check by asking for clarification. Don't assume understanding as this is sloppy.
- Minimal "encouragers" – These are the nods and "mmmm" noises that one makes when chatting with people to let them know one is listening
- Reflecting – From time to time "hold up a mirror" to reflect back the important facts or feelings.
- Challenging – This skill can be used when there is a mismatch between what the person is saying and their body language, e.g. somebody says they are really happy, but they actually look miserable. Challenging is also used when people are saying things that are contradictory. It is a skill that is used with respect – it is not the same as criticism.
- Good body language – Leaning slightly towards the other party can indicate that they are being listened to – just as looking away or glancing at one's watch would tell them that one isn't actually there for them.
- Be open and non judgmental - this encourages people to feel free to say whatever they need to without fearing an adverse reaction.
How Good Listening Skills Help Relationships
Good listening will improve all relationships, whether professional or personal. Learning to hear what the other party is saying opens the way for a more honest communication. When people feel they are being heard they are more likely to say the important things they are holding in their heart - the things one really needs to hear.
Reference:
- The Skilled Helper, Gerard Egan, ISBN 0-534-34948-0.
